Walking Cold

If you haven’t heard the news, winter has finally arrived in Chicago. It’s really quite awesome to experience since you know, snow has always been reserved for ski weekends and far off mountain tops.

I have really appreciated all the advice co-workers, friends and family have given me in regards to winter. But do you know what people don’t tell you about the cold and snow? I mean, there are a ton of things that have been conveniently left out of the conversation when people say “this is how you should be prepared for winter.” One of those things that I have learned over the course of the past couple weeks while it has been below freezing is this…

Walking in the cold will make your balls freeze (er…crotch area to be more specific…shrinkage as well).

Yup, I said it.

For those of us who are carried around on top of “thunder things,” “muscular legs,” or “cinder blocks,” walking in the snow is not difficult. However, since we don’t have thighs that do not touch when we walk, I’ll just say a certain amount of friction is generated when we do stroll (for those who refuse to waddle). Friction creates heat. Heat, trapped inside your pants which are being blasted by the cold, creates moisture. Moisture, in cold weather, particularly below freezing (like the -1 degrees I walked home in last night after dinner) will make things cold and wet when the heat from the friction stops (crosswalks, waiting for busses/trains). Thus leading to, the feeling of ice forming, near and around your balls and anywhere else your thighs dare to rub in this winter wonderland.

I’m guessing long johns combat this phenomena? I don’t know. I’d wear them, but I’m scared adding another layer of heat on my bottom half may just turn me into an icicle. While being a snow mermaid sounds almost romantic and mystical, being able to keep “le pak’agé” from looking like an ice sculpture is now one of my top priorities.

So as I slush off to the gym in a few extra layers and a well placed sock, I’m glad winter has come, and I’m glad I’m here.

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