Things I Say to Myself During Workouts

Here is a little list that will provide a little insight to what is happening in my head when I’m between sets at the gym (along with my rationalization for saying them). Not that anyone actually cares, but I’m pretty sure I caught someone staring at me when I was mouthing the words to “Hit Me Baby One More Time” the other day, so I’m sure I mouth these things more than I should. 

  • 5 6 7, pull 1 2 3, out 5 6 7 double 1 2 3 …
    • Seriously, once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader. That was me pulling my imaginary scorpion and then hitting an arabesque and doubling down, which I actually mark with my arms and look like a total fool. Keeps me entertained
  • OMG, I’m in love with him! PleasePleasePlease look at me, fall in love and take me and my glitter shoes home with you.
    • A boy can dream. There are many men in my gym who have stopped me in my tracks on more than one occasion.
  • Why is his trainer making him do that? It looks awful! 
    • Yes, i know that fitness can get real ugly, cause I get real ugly when I’m working on, well, anything really. But sometimes, I look at someone who is working out with a trainer and I think, I would be cussing and yelling by then, cause that just looks like hell. Then again, thats probably the reason I’m working out in a mumu and he’s in a tank top sporting noodle shoulder straps with his nipples out and pointing in two different pectacular directions. Ho hum.
  • There are muscles there? I don’t think I have those, I’m sure was born without them.
    • There are a few raging homos at my gym who are toned to a redic level. Seriously? I know you’re not a bodybuilder, you just like to look like that when you go out and about?  Not gonna lie, it’s a little creepy.
  • I see you looking at my bedazzled shoes, don’t hate. 
    • Do I wear workout shoes with glitter on them to the gym? Damn right I do. I like to think that it fucks with people’s heads when I’m doing reps with a fully loaded leg press machine in them.Image.
  • OMG I’m so hungry. I swear I’m going to, why hello Mr. Powerlifter…
    • A good distraction from hunger is hot mens.
  • Why are you wearing jeans in the gym?
    • No seriously, why? Do you not own shorts? If you’re embarrassed by your legs, workout pants are an option you know, but jeans? Thats just weird.
  • I hate him, seriously? I want arms like that. FUUUKKK him. Oh wait, tiny legs, I win
    • When I see guys with nice big cut arms and defined pecs and shoulders, I get jealous. I can’t help myself. Even when I was swimming 4 hours a day I never had that. Luckily, 4 hours of treading water and keeping all of this afloat and moving from one side of the pool to the other landed me squarely NOT in the “looks like a potato on toothpicks” category of body types. And for that, I’ll be ever grateful.
  • What, is, that, smell? Please don’t let it be me, please don’t let it be me. 
    • The gym can be close quarters sometimes, there isn’t much you can do about seeing, smelling other people.
  • And now I’m dizzy, great. Should have eaten something before I did this.
    • Happens pretty much every morning. I hate eating before I go to the gym, all I can ever get down is some yogurt and even then, its only sometimes. Meanwhile, I feel like if i make myself dizzy at the gym from hard work, I’m doing something right.
  • Ugh, those weights look real heavy…I don’t think I really want to, oh fuck, that dude is lifting more than i am. FINE! 
    • And then I pick up the heavy weights in order to save face in front of the twink who was giving me the side eye because we were just curling the same weight and he did it without looking like he was going to die.
  • Oh, crunches between sets, thats SUCH a good idea, I’m totally going to do that
    • Right after I check in on Foursquare, check my email, Facebook, app messages, and stare at him for a little while. Oh look, break time is over, time to go back to lifting, I swear, between the next set. 

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