This actually isn’t my dating story, at least not the side I heard. But I feel like it has to be told, even though it makes some random stranger I was evesdropping on look awful. In his defense, from what I heard, he really was awful.
Friday night, my buddy Matt and I were heading to a bar for some post Identity Thief drinks on the Red Line. Oh the Red Line. It’s the veritable cross section of Chicago, which means, everyone rides it, all kinds. The kind of person we were accosted by that evening, was a shrieking theater gay (yes, I know this is an awful stereotype, but the description seriously serves a purpose and an essay describing and outlining gay-male masculinity from the point of view from a chunky “bear cub” who trots around Vegas in heels is long overdue, but just go with it for now). If you don’t know what i’m talking about, please watch the clip below, the guy on the train, was basically Derrick.
Yeah…I tend to think of myself as, Max reincarnated and actually gay. Like Max, I get seriously annoyed by the stereotypical homos who feel the need to prance and flounce (Yes I know I do my fair share of it once in a while, but I don’t end conversations with “draaammaaaa!” unless fully necessary, of course).
Anyway, back to the gay at hand, er, at ear. Matt and I stayed on the train an extra stop to hear more of the absurdity, because it was SO good, we couldn’t help ourselves. Apparently he was on the phone with one of his BFF’s giving him the full scoop of the date he had been on. While we couldn’t hear what the friend was saying, it apparently just egged him on. Here, is the transcript (he got on mid conversation, so we didn’t hear the beginning, but it took shape quickly. Also, I have NO Idea how to format a one-sided conversation and I don’t want all the lines to run together, so…I’m just going to italicize every other line, yeah, that’ll work.):
No, it was awful
Seriously, no, do you know what he did. I mean, he invited me to Sidetrack on Sunday night. Hello, I’m an actor and it was musical theater night. So like, I’m totally not going to be able to pay attention to him or talk because obviously I’m going to paying attention to whats playing on the screens.
No seriously, so that was strike two. Yeah. I mean, and then we are there and he’s trying to talk to me DURING Oklahoma. Can you believe it? I mean, I was really trying hard, but he should have known better, he knew I was an actor. I mean, so that was really strike three.
Well, you know, he tells me he works in a jewelry shop, so of course my ears perk up.
But no, cause then, he tells me he has to go to London for three weeks for work, but then tells me he wouldn’t be able to go if work wasn’t paying for it. That was totally strike four, I mean, if i can’t anything from him and he’s not going to take me anywhere, why am I even wasting my time.
(at this point Matt and I had totally stopped our conversation and were busy being horrified by this little menace and were intently involved and enraptured by what was unfolding)
So then, wait for it, strike five coming up. Then he looks at his phone and is like, “well, it’s getting late, I should probably get home, I have some homework I have to get to.”
So then I ask if it is due tomorrow, and he says “no, Wednesday, I just want to get an early start on it.”
HELLO! Are you kidding me right now? I mean, you’re out with one of the hottest guys in Boystown.
No, I know, right!?
Yeah, MAJOR strike. So we walk out. And on the sidewalk he is like, “well, have a great night. Text me sometime.”
WHAT THE FUCK!? Thats not a date! I don’t even know what is wrong with him. A first date to me is like, you take me somewhere nice for dinner, pay for it and then at least sex.
Like, hello, I’m a total catch. So that was strike SIX! I’m never going to text him, you don’t treat a guy like me like that…
Luckily, our stop came up after we heard strike six. I was tempted to stay on the train to continue listening to the rest of the story, cause I’m sure there was more and a few more strikes hidden up this guy’s sleeve. Alas, Matt and I were both on the verge of crying from holding back laughter, so we exited the train.
I myself tend to take hints really well, at least to go away. I have been subjected to many over the years. The hints that I don’t see coming or have any idea what to do with is when people are actually interested in going out with me. I just chalk all of those up to people being nice. When hints are applied aggressively, it scares the hell out of me and I end up withdrawing and usually exiting with a quick witted line, like this.
Yeah, so there’s a dating story for ya. Poor thing. His skinny ass had either never been on a date with someone who ended up not being interested. I mean, homework that is due in four days…should have taken the hint then that dude was not interested and moved on. Then again, I don’t consider myself the hottest piece of ass that ever trolled the gutters in Boystown, so really couldn’t relate with this poor, poor soul.