Thoughts on the CTA

Not like, opinions about the service, but more about what goes through my head when I’m riding that grimy ass Red-Line, or when I’m face to crotch with a total stranger on a Lakeshore Express bus (and not enjoying it, perv). 

  • If one of those damn birds poops on me while I’m waiting for this train I’m going to invest in a bebe gun and take it everywhere, or a sling shot. I used to rock slingshots.
  • Oh look! Tumble weave!
  • Ahh, the smell of urine being pushed through the tunnels downtown, why do I ride the Red-Line again?
  • Why is that guy looking at me? Do I know him? Is he going to hurt me? I’ll just pretend I don’t know him…he’s still looking, this is weird, look at your phone Royce….I’m going to peek and see if he’s still staring at me, yup, stranger danger, stranger danger! Ok, don’t look anymore. I really need to watch more MMA, cause I don’t think screaming and scratching is going to stop an attacker, that reminds me, get manicure. I wonder where I should go, maybe that place down the street, I see guys in there all the time. Oh, he got off? Well that was rude, he didn’t even say hello.
  • Ahh, slow zones, gotta love them. They’re like the “stop at green lights” rule the bus drivers have, but for trains. yay!
  • An open seat! YES! I’m gonna relax on my way in today and…wait…what is on it? I’ll stand
  • This crackhead is totally going to punch that sign he’s arguing with, is it bad to video? Do I care?
  • I wonder how many girls on this train are wearing leggings and knee high boots with a jacket…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, zzzzzz.
  • I wonder how many are named Katie…
  • A whole train full of gang members? I’ll take the next one…
  • Seriously dude? I already take up more than my fair share of a seat and you think your chunky ass is just going to fit next to me? Rude.
  • Of course the hot guy sits in front of me…would it be weird to smell his neck? Would anyone notice? I wonder how Sowande is.
  • This stupid girls iPod is up SO loud, what kind of bitch needs to listen to, oh, is that Taylor Swift…sweet.
  • Do I have to give up my seat for that older woman? I wonder if she’s old enough, I’m not going to offer just to have her say “no thanks” and then have this little twink take it. Fuck it, she looks sturdy.
  • Oh good, I get to listen to a debate as to where to buy the cheapest drugs on the northside. I love the Broadway bus.
  • Please let him Missed Connection me.
  • Old Chinese lady about to exit from the back of the bus…i bet she hits the door a bunch of times before she gets out…yup, oh good, yelling at the driver, that’ll help.
  • I miss my car. Look at that guy in the car, singing, drinking coffee, driving. I miss driving.
  • I wonder if my music is up to loud and people can hear the Britney I’m listening to. Probably not, but I should stop singing along…
  • Oh good the train is coming, thank goodness, its 100 degrees out here and I’m sweating in my…oh…ew, that feels awkward…
  • What is that smell? Probably that guy…just breathe in through your mouth, pretend you’re driving to the port and they’re putting manure in the fields.
  • Mother…seriously dude? You’re just going to stand right in the door so everyone has to squeeze past you to get on and off the train? SO rude, I was going to stand there.
  • Three bags. That bitch is carrying three bags and none of them are cute…
  • Ugh, breeders making out on the train, thats disgusting, get a room you sickos, no one wants to see that, why can I not stop staring?
  • Today I just…I just…I can’t. TAXI!!!!!

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