Dating Questions

Know what sucks? When you’re out with a guy and he starts asking probing questions or makes those statements that sound like a compliment, but are really not, at least to me. I’m totally guilty of it myself. I can’t help it, sometimes I’m curious, mostly it’s habit. I’m learning to stay away from them, but there is only so much inquiring minds can do to silence themselves. At the same time, I’m making a vow to myself, and the guys I go out with not to say stuff like this:

“Why are you single?”
Easily the worst question to ask and answer. Apparently, if you post slutty photos and accompany them with a grammatically correct basic profile of yourself, you’re not allowed to be single.  Even when it’s pillow talk, it’s inappropriate. It’s kind of none of your business why this person you’re currently spooning,   isn’t spooning with someone else right now. Just deal with the moment and don’t over analyze.
I’ve been answering this question a few different ways lately.
Stock answer: “I just haven’t found the right guy yet” of course followed by a wink and a smile, followed even later with never calling them again and having a very awkward moment in a bar months later.
Non-stock response to someone I feel like I should be open and honest with: “I’m an emotional cripple when it comes to dating. I have a massive fear of commitment based on being dumped over and over again by guys who play with my heart and lie to me. Breakfast?” After the initial shock of too much information wears off, and before we set a date to see each other again that he’ll cancel the day we meet, more questions come…

“I just don’t get it, how could anyone leave you? You’re a great guy!”
This one makes me want to throw up in my mouth, sometimes it does. I’d love to be able to answer that one, but I’m afraid I can’t. Due to the fact that guys who no longer wish to date me don’t stay in my phone book until I’ve made sure I’ve got my toothbrush at home, I can’t answer that.
There is only one response anyone gets from this question: “Apparently I’m a jerk magnet, but it looks like my luck is changing.” Followed with another wink and smile, cause even though I don’t know i do it, it works, and lets be honest, guys love it.
Of course what they’re really asking is “what’s wrong with you that I don’t see yet?” It’s like the standard “what is your biggest weakness” question during job interviews. Useless, rude and can never be really answered without disqualifying yourself from the job/relationship.

If I do manage to get a guy who shows up for another date without having to “work on a project that has to be done before next week,” and we end up at dinner or hanging out in my apartment, I get the kiss of death.
“I just feel like I can be myself around you.”
Fuck. You.
Oh yeah, it sounds like an amazing compliment, I assure you, it is not. On the outside, it means that you’re a great person who is able to put people at ease and have a knack for making them feel comfortable. My crazy, insecure brain spins it a little differently. When a guy says “I feel like I can just be myself with you,” I hear, “I like that I don’t have to try to impress you anymore. You’re cool, but I’m not seeing the effort pay off anymore than it already has, so I just want you to know that I’m going to stop trying now.” And usually they do. Hello, I’m a decent guy, I’d like it if someone felt like they had to keep up a modicum of basic appearances for at least a week or two. It usually stuns me into silence for a quick second before I can squeak out a “thanks…”

Which of course brings up “so, what are you thinking about?”
I hate this one. I try not to ask it unless dude has some very puzzled look on his face (see me at any point during the day while deciphering messages at work) and I think there is an interesting thought trying to make it to his lips.
Stock response: “nothing really, just how nice this is.” Cause this question is always asked while you’re in a compromising spooning position and it is the sweet/cute response that everyone wants to hear. When you’re cuddling with someone they don’t want to hear that you’re thinking you’d rather be snacking on that leftover pizza on the counter than having his legs wrapped around you and fighting for a cool breeze under the blanket. One of these times when dude asks, I’m jut going to say “I’m thinking about how long I’ve been holding this fart in cause you’re new and I’m trying impress you, but something tells me giving you a Dutch Oven right now won’t go over well.” Then he’ll be horrified for a second and laugh and I’ll fart while he’s chuckling, cause you know, I’m playful like that.

There are of course a plethora of these damn questions that come up, each more inane and annoying than the last. One day I hope to stop asking them out of habit and hope even more to stop being asked over and over again. Until that day comes, winks and smiles for everyone.

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