So, a funny thing happened a while back, well, maybe not exactly “funny haha,” but more like “what the F just happened right now” kind of funny. A friend who really has gone above and beyond for me went to the San Francisco Court House, convinced the clerk to process paperwork so I wouldn’t lose my pending (at the time) condo, got a copy of it of the documents, and sent them to me. They were my divorce papers. Not going to lie, it threw me for a loop when I actually saw them processed, done, final, I’m now a divorcee (I prefer bachelor, but it’s not technically right).
I wrote once about what being married to Laura was like for me and what it meant to me. Now I have to talk about it in the past tense although not a whole lot has changed; She’s still one of my most amazing and best friends; we’re still close and I feel I can confide anything to her; I still miss seeing her on a regular basis; and it makes me sad that we can’t share a plate of hummus and pita on the back patio of our favorite restaurant in Noe Valley randomly on a warm summer night.
At the same time, a lot of what was awesome about our marriage, is now gone. For instance, not that I’m sure anyone would stop her, but she can’t come visit me in the ER at a hospital if something were to happen to me, or inherit anything from me automatically if that trip to the hospital doesn’t go well. My niece and nephew don’t have to call her Aunt Laura (not that they ever did), and I now am 1,800 miles from my family, the vast majority of my friends (whom I consider family as well), and sometimes I really feel alone. That is a first for me in a long time I think. It’s a feeling that won’t be changing anytime soon either.
I think my marriage to Laura was the closest thing I’ll come to a long term relationship with someone. That’s not the bitter “dating stories” person talking here, it’s the “take a real look at life and the world and be honest with yourself” person talking. Not everyone finds someone. Not everyone ends up with a happy ending. I’m not trying to play the sympathy card, but I just don’t think I’m one of those relationship people. I think I want to be, but every time the opportunity comes along, I bail.
I’m not saying I “yearn” for a relationship or that it’s even something I feel like I need, but do I tear up at weddings, because I’m so happy my friend has found someone to share their life with. I’m not saying I hate couples because they look happy and I’m not but sometimes I need a hug that is more than a pat on the back. I’m not saying I hate dating, it’s supposed to be fun after all, but I would like someone not expect to round the bases for buying me two beers and a calamari platter.
On the other side of that, do I make it easy for guys who are interested in me to get to know me better? Nope. Emotional walls up all over the place? Firm and in place. Do I sabotage good things with guys that I shouldn’t pass up? Sure do. I’ve fucked it up many more time than I choose to revisit at this point in time, with guys who actually would have/did treat me amazingly. Am I disappointed in myself for it? Sure am. Have I made an effort to change? Honestly, no.
I don’t really feel like I need to change. Lets be honest, I’m a single gay man in my early 30’s. As far as society is concerned, there is no pressure to be married, or have kids, or be in a steady relationship (thanks stereotypes!). I think I’m expected to be “fabulous” (barf), travel (check), spend money (check plus), and party my ass off in a sea of shirtless hotties every weekend (check minus, like, serious minus, like I’ve done that like twice in my whole life kind of minus, like, may as well not even be a check). I’m not going to be disappointing anyone if I don’t get married, and I think it would shock to people if I did.
So I continue to live up to everyone’s non-expectations of me. Maybe one day, I’ll be sending out my wedding invitations and say to myself “What the F is happening right now” and chuckle when I remember that I never thought it would happen to me. For the time being I’m a bachelor, dinner and a couple beers with friends will do, maybe a calamari plate once in a while.