Today, my ex-wife (who i’ve written about before) said she could use a memory jog from her friends of their favorite good times with her. Laura has Lyme-disease, and it has stolen some of her memories along with her physical function. Luckily she is on the mend, but it’s a chronic disease, there is no total cure so it’s something she’ll be battling for the rest of her life. Being that we are 1,800 miles apart, i figured the least i could do was spill some of our share-appropriate memories to give her a boost and put a smile on her day. I will say there are plenty of unshareable stories, no matter how many names you change to protect the guilty, can’t be told anywhere other than together in person, letting the giggle fit wash over you. But I digress, into my top 5 shareable good times with Laura.
1. Sowande’s birthday. Sowande was the mutual friend who introduced Laura and I. You know, the night some random girl from SLV climed into my car in the Castro, rolled down the window at a stop light and told a complete stranger standing on the median that he was wearing a “nice blouse,” it was that guy. Well, it was his birthday and we decided to throw a little suare at our favorite Noe Valley eatery, Savor. We had a guest list, some gifts, and a cake. What we really needed was something to put it over the edge, which of course means a pinata. Because what do drunken 20 somethings love more than a rainbow donkey stuffed with candy? Hitting it with a stick. The trouble is, we didn’t want to just fill it with candy, we decided to fill it with things 20 somethings would actually use. Our brilliant plan was to fill it with condoms, so off to Wallgreens we went. Do you know how cost prohibitive condoms are when you have to fill a pinata? Hint, very. Backup plan? Walk around the Castro, duck into every gay bar, and grab fistfulls of free condoms near the door. The trouble was, not that many bars had a condom bowl, or were even open. One bar was open but didn’t have a bow, Twin Peaks, so i sent Laura in. Now, Twin Peaks is an institution, it’s also where a more “seasonsed” member of the community may spend their afternoons before heading to dinner at 3pm and bed just before the sun sets. So Laura walks in, and asks the bartender if they have any condoms, and he says they do not, but asks the bar if anyone has them. Give guys ante up from their wallets and handed her their very own. So sweet. After that we gave up the condom idea, went to Costco, bought some candy and whacked a rainbow donkey with a stick.
2. Do you know that before Laura and I got married we bought a time share? Yeah, yes we did. Do you know why? Because they were offering us free tickets to Cirqe de Soliel and we decided to go to vegas for a “quick weekend” before she went off to the Peace Corps. Genius idea? No. Investing in our future vacations? Yes. Use it at all? Nope! We don’t even know how actually, which is the worst part, cause we’ve had it for 10 years and well…we have yet to go on vacation. Was that a good time? I’ll let you know once we return from a week on the south side of the strip, one of these years I tell ya. That trip also featured a night of drunken dancing, when i happened to be “dropping it like it was hot” and basically disintegrated the entire back side of the jeans i was wearing. I mean they were gone, there was a notable pop that could be heard over the music in a vegas club, and then a LOT of cold air on my backside. We exited the club along the wall and Laura walked behind me carrying her purse over what was left of my dignity (she had a small purse, it was plenty).
3. Do you know what a “bear run” is? No? Cool. It’s usually a destination weekend full of parties, food, and gay sex, particularly with dudes who identify as “bears” ie: big and hairy. Do you konw who goes to bear runs? Bears and their admireres. Do you know who doesn’t go to bear runs? Every one else, especially women. At least that was the idea until Albert and Rolando invited us up to their weekend home for lazy bear in 2005. We danced, we mingled, we walked by the pool that looked like bear soup (chowder if you want to get into the gory details). Not gonna lie, it was a bit of a scene. We went kayaking for the first time on the Russian River and dubbed ourselves “doers” because we were out and about, doing the damn thing. We’ve been doers ever since.
4. Once upon a time Laura and Ventured to Northern California (no, not San Francisco, or Marin, we’re talking Fort Bragg/Mendocino), the real ‘ish. I don’t know how or why, but we were driving someone’s Jeep Grand Cherokee. Not exactly ideal for winding mountain roads driven by San Francisco drivers who think of speed limits as an afterthought and curve warnings as complete lies. Before we got off 101 and headed west into the mountians on highway 128, we stopped for dinner. Know what was open at 10pm in Cloverdale, CA? KFC. That’s it. At least when this happened…11 years ago, that’s what was open. I’m sure it’s a plethora of fine dining now adays. Well three screaming fits from the passenger seat and a “KFC Bowl” tossed directly into the windshied by yours truly, we reached our destination. A cabin, on a commune, in the middle of the woods, fondly known as Albion. Fun fact, my first boyfriend Josh was “from Albion” (not actually from there, his parents moved there from the east bay when he was in highschool, but that’s where he told me they were living when we dated. That and they had a teepee in their front yard, which we passed on the way to Stevie’s house), but I digress. We arrive realitvly unscathed and have a very full weekend of drinks, hot tub time, dinners and laughs. Lots and lots of drinks. To the point where the dear heroine of our story, couldn’t drive us home on sunday, so i had to. Back through the windy roads in the mountains. She laid down in the backseat and tried to sleep it off (spoiler, it didn’t work). At one point while i was trying my best to straighten out the curves of the road and keep her from throwing up (other spoiler, that didn’t work either), she popped her head up, grabbed me by the shoulder and growled “what the hell is going on up here?” Ahh, a magical moment. An hour and a half later we made it back to 101, where she insisted she’d feel better if she drove the rest of the way home, and i spent the rest of the trip white knuckling the o’shit bar in the passenger seat. Tak błogosławiony.
5. I used to sleep on my back, until my wife taught me to sleep on my stomach by giving me periodic elbow jabs to my kidneys the 5 months we shared a bed in San Francisco. It was also the only time in recorded history where i snuggled a very unwilling participant. Let me set the scene. The Castro, two out of work best friends who happened to get married for health insurance reasons, both sharing a bed and apartment and trying to live our best lives. It was a chilly winter, you know, low 50’s at night, super burr. One night, I woke to the soft sweet voice of an angel whispering in my ear. Well, not directly in my ear, it was kind of in front of me and was getting less sweet by the minute. “Royce. Royce…. ROYCE!” I came to, and realized that in the middle of the night, i had made my way to Laura’s side of the bed and literally wrapped myself around her, in what I would probably explain as a death grip, which is unfortunate for a couple reasons. First, Laura hates cuddling. Second, air kisses were usually as close as we came to physical affection. Third, she was overheating and NOT happy about it. I retreated to my side of the bed, a pillow wall rull was enstated for the rest of our bed sharing days, and we never cuddled again. An actually very happy ending for both of us, and it continues to be.